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13 July 2022

I’ve to go

By Sara

I’ve already gone. Just because I’m breathing doesn’t mean I’m here. I’ve consumed emotions, I’ve consumed feelings, and I’ve even consumed my words. There is still so much I want to say, but I no longer have the words to use it. I miss desiring, I miss wanting things. I miss you. I spent centuries hoping only that your light would warm me. But compared to centuries, I could only feel your warmth for a few seconds. Now, as I drift into the cold darkness of the same eternity, I realize that nothing is the same as before. When the ice in my core melted and I caught fire, I left something behind. Things I didn’t even know I had. The last feeling I hold on to, if you can call it holding on. I feel like it’s over and I have to go. Whatever, wherever. Of course I know, I’m going home and I’m at peace. I understand that it’s over because words and feelings don’t circulate inside me like they used to. I’m dying, the last moments of a star. Everything fades, withering, the last particles that keep my core in balance are also burning. With the last of my remaining energy, I’m trying to adjust at what moment something that could happen at any moment will happen. I can’t miss, I can’t want, I can’t feel anymore. Even a rock like that has more emotions than mine. I don’t think it’s possible to describe not feeling anything at all. I can’t even feel that I’m not feeling anything anymore. Just like you said, I will never be happy. Yet I never imagined that returning home would feel like this. I don’t know if I can say anything again, I just wanted to add a few more sentences before my core completely fades. 
This song, the lyrics describe what I’m trying to convey much better than I think I can.

Lunacy

Can you see me, am I still here?
Tell me not to give in.
Can you hear me, is it time to walk again to that place in silence?
Go back to the shadows,
Back to the shadows.
 
Can they heal me?
Can they help me, be myself once again?
Can they?
Am I dreaming, am I feeling love or is this just consolation?
I’m begging the devil
To feed me venom.
 
There’s a silhouette beside me, cutting tangles of my hair.
Will this lunacy allow me to remember who I am?
The reflection on the mirror shows me eyes that cannot see
And I’m trapped inside illusion, severed from reality.
 
In my head it ain’t over.
I surrender and give in to delusion deep within.
It’s in my head, taking over,
And the only voice I hear is a prayer for release.
 
All these pieces do not fit in my cosmic-self.
Overthinking everything.
Inconvenient, unexpected sounds that call for my strained reaction.
My own occupier,
Reset and rewire.
 
There’s a silhouette that haunts me, and I know I can’t be saved.
As the shapes are moving closer and my sanity derails.
The reflection on the mirror shows me eyes that cannot see,
And the calling of a vision alters my reality.
 
In my head it ain’t over.
I surrender and give in to delusion deep within.
It’s in my head, taking over,
And the only voice I hear is a prayer for release.
 
And I won’t live in this sorrow
With no reason to get by,
When divided from your light.
No I won’t live, I’ll stay hollow
Without chance to reunite,
While I’m driven to the night.
 
You were pushed into a sidetrack,
Never to remain,
You had every intention to leave with grace.
When you’re lying on your bed and descending into doubt
I just hope your light will still keep me warm.

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